one thing I LOVE about my life here...

This just hit me today, how I am free to be myself here, in a way that doesn't sell in the USA.

By nature, in "public," I am not only cheerful, friendly, respectful, courteous, gracious, and appreciative, but enthusiastically so.  I really enjoy, selfishly, radiating positive energy, selflessly.  In any context with other people in it, it's how I want to be.  It's my nature.  

But that doesn't fly in America.  

In the States, I've got to dial all those qualities back, and expend a lot more effort to "be cool."  (And not just with women either, though especially with them.)  In a rather amazing conundrum, my inherent qualities come across as insincere there.  As if I want to much to be "liked," as if I am "trying to hard," as if I am "up to something."  

It was a tangible problem in Memphis, and a terrible problem in Lexington.  (Ironically, the only group in America that seemed to have no problem with it were gay men.  They seemed to find it very charming, exactly as I would wish with everyone else.)  

But here, it seems the locals really appreciate the gust of fresh air.  The reaction is almost universally positive.  It took a friend of mine's perspective recently to bring this into focus for me.  

Ovais is a Pakistani who's spent about half his life here, and a couple of years in Alabama too.  Recently, we went over the bridge to Bahrain (to see Watchmen), and since I was driving, he got to see my charm in full projection toward the various border officials.  Now, personally, it's not something that I do on purpose, so I didn't even think about it, but Ovais commented later that my outgoing nature "obviously" made a big difference in how we were treated on the way across.  (As a Pakistani, he's accustomed to a less respectful and more strict treatment than we got.  But more than being American, he credited our treatment to my enthusiastic greetings as we pulled up to each stop.)  

On the other hand, I can't count how many times that people seemed to mistrust me behind my back in Lexington.  I would only have heard x number of reports, and presumably it occurred substantially more often than that.  (In fact, the "word on the street" seems to have been terrible about me, beyond my first circle of friends.)  And I was trying to dial it down back there!  

Now, let's laugh at myself for a minute.  It hit me the other day that the closest model for my behavior in Western media culture would be Uncle Leo from Seinfeld.  Though I would obviously lack the petulant or curmudgeonly qualities, that full-bellow "Hello!" of his would be right up my alley here (assuming I do know the person already).  

But then, much more seriously, this whole nature of mine would explain why I seem to have a much more positive and frictionless existence than many Westerners here.  Frankly (and frustratingly), many Westerners go absolutely nuts here after a while, because they find almost every business interaction to be some kind of uphill battle.  Whereas I definitely do not.  

I walk into an encounter projecting respect and positivism, and right away, a bunch of shields and apathies come tumbling down.  When an encounter is over, it's always clear that my graciousness made a really positive impression on that new person, let alone the repeat encounters, like my mechanic and my internet company's tech support guy.  And I positively adore the smiles I get in return at my convenience store down the street.  Those guys light up when I walk in, even though we (can) barely speak together at all.  

Sometimes there's skepticism at first.  Just now at that same store, I crossed paths with some other customer in a cramped aisle, and cocked half a smile at him as we negotiated around one another.  It did not seem to make any positive impression (nor did I care).  But then we ended up at the counter at the same time (and there is really no concept of "standing in line" around here), and two bills from his purchase ended up in the change for mine, and I looked at him and said, "Thank you so much, sir!"  And then he "got it."  He smiled back genuinely.  

I knew from my interview in 2006, with a dean of the university on business in Houston, that these Arabs would take to me.  I was stunned then at how quickly my charm and humor had him laughing and smiling right along with me.  (They ended up hiring me without the normal probationary arrangement that brings most new faculty here.  I was on a multi-year contract from the get-go.)  In turn, any pessimism I'd felt about coming to this country melted away.  

And then since coming here, I've underscored all my behavioral inclinations with a deep fundamental attitude that would surely make a difference for any Westerner here, if they were canny or inclined enough to adopt it.  Right from the start, I told myself that I am a guest in this country.  I think the prominent majority of Americans or Australians don't come here with that in mind at all.  (A friend of mine last year didn't even survive one year before this place drove him out nearly in rage.  But he definitely came in with a sense of entitlement too.)  

I suppose that they expect to be treated like Americans, whereas I expect to be treated like a guest, which is a totally different vibe, but which also shapes a completely different sense of entitlement or privilege on my part, one that must project respect for my "hosts" as its first premise.  Once I successfully project that, I'm usually golden.  

As a side note, people back home often ask or wonder about the "culture shock" that I've experienced.  And my intuitive answer is always the same.  "What culture shock?"  I don't feel as if I've suffered any at all.  (Whereas I do think I'd have a lot harder time in Asia, where my enthusiasm might seem more buffoonish.)  

In short, I find (here) that by projecting grace, I receive grace.  I push some cultural button that seems both natural and irresistible to them (and I'm talking about both the locals and the massive population of Pakistanis).  

The first week of a new class is usually a little more tentative, because the young men are (naturally) sizing the teacher up to figure out what he's made of (and how much they'll get away with).  I've had a few skeptics (especially in my first couple of semesters) that did seem to get the "trying too hard" first impression.  But they were inevitably won over in the end.  My "act" is sincere, and there's quickly no denying that.  

And finally, to clarify an important point, none of this suggests that I make myself into a pushover, far from it!  A guest does have certain entitlements, and projecting oneself as a guest makes those more irrefutable.  I've had to "flex" that vibe from time to time, and it does work.  Slip out of "the grace" for a moment to press a point, and then pop right back in to the grace as soon as they start to give, and everyone feels respected in the end.  

So, I do write these in an attempt to share useful values with others, so let me sum up some conclusions here.  

1)  Enthusiastic grace, unfortunately, doesn't seem to sell very well socially in America, except for within the context of gay men.  (Bummer.)  

2)  But if it has been successful for me in any Western context, it's been with service or retail employees in relatively thankless/tedious positions.  Never underestimate the power of positive energy toward people accustomed to much less.  

3)  When travelling abroad, the "guest" mentality can be a very powerful asset.  Entitlement to be "treated like an American" is probably the most self-sabotaging detriment.  

4)  And though I didn't expound on this, it's a tremendous attitude for getting across the language barrier.  Positive and gracious body language puts a compulsive smile on their face even when they don't understand a word.  

5)  If people don't understand why I could so truly enjoy my life here (and this is only today occurring to me), it's because I really can "be myself" in this context, in a way that life in America taught me not to be.  

Would that reveal some deeper tragedy about the culture there?  Hmmmm...

  

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Comments

[Alyssa Morris]

What a wonderful way to live. I'm sorry you have to dial it back at home, but I totally see where you're coming from. I'll remember this if we go to Europe next summer. (Germany, Belgium and Netherlands are on our list.)